I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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