no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The uberlube is also flammable
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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