If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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