That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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