I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
