Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
