It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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