Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
