hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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