Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
operation harelip BJ is a go
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Watching her eat just hurts me
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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