Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
