I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
worst night to have a conscience
you mean i was at the winter classic?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
