I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
