Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
