I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
