FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Your cock deserves a montage
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
