I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
