What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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