oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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