I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
