Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
