It was confusing and full of hummus
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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