Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
