And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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