I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
it's great music for shaving your balls
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
