i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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