Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Randomize
