My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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