Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
3 2 1 whiskey
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize