Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Drake has all the answers
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
