I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
