I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
