Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize