i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
