the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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