the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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