just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Who did Billy Mays play for?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
