I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
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