Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
