made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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