This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
