and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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