the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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