i don't like sucking hair
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
