I like my sex mixed with concussions.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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