6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
