I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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