I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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