I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
