Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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