I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
