Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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