If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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