u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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