Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
