The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
