Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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