the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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